two-thousand&eight overview.

two-thousand& eight is almost over, so lemme do my take on the entire year. im prolly gonna be busy in the next few days, which is why im doing this early, haha. so here we go:

mhm, two-thousand&eight niggy, what can i say? geeez, so much went down this year & regardless of the shitty moments, it was a great year. it started off as the second half of my junior year. i met people that i never imagined that i'd ever get close to, & till this day i believe that ill be keeping them close to my heart for a long time. i started the year off single, pretty content w/ it too. even tho i was still hurting from the past relationship, with good friends by my side, i decided to let go. it took awhile, i know.

basically, my whole year consisted of one amazing person. someone who i never thought would ever impact my life so much. march came around & i ran into the one person i had been having the hugest crush on. my sophomore year, i developed this cute little crush on him. buuut, he was taken, & im not the type to intrude in a great relationship. i aint no instigator, ew. but anyway, i ran into him halfway into my junior year in the hallway that we both had classes in, but it was the first time i saw him there. we chatted for awhile, &i found out he had been single for awhile, so i said the magical words 'call me sometime' :) haha, how cute. & i expected nothing of it! to my surprise, that same night i get a phone call. & from there, was probably the first time i ever felt true love. it amazed me how in love i was with him, & i was happy. it was a 8 month relationship that i'd never forget, & even tho we're so distant now, he's found happiness with someone else. march 5, 2008 changed my life & i regret nothing. he still has a special place in my heart & i will never forget all the great memories we shared toegther. <3EJL

however, two-thousand&eight isn't the only year that this one person has been by my side. my best friend / wifey kimberly caguitla. this girl stuck it out with me through everything. two-thousand&eight has been a lesson learning year for the both of us & im glad she's still by my side. i love you sooooo much wife, i know you're reading this :) thank you for everything you've done for me since day one, & im excited for what 2009 will bring for us. <3

words cannot describe how much i want this new year to come. it'll be great to start fresh & enjoy the greater things in life. i have so much that i plan to achieve next year, so watch out for me ;) im striving for the best & i cant wait to see who wants to come along with me. two-thousand&eight has taught me many lessons that i plan to put into action. i thank God for everything he's blessed me with within the past year.

good-bye 2008; hello 2009!
have a happy new year<3

merrry christmas!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! :)

sooo, christmas eve was really busy. woke up around 10 & did hella errands w/ my mommy & sister. came home around 3 & started to cook dinner. i made some cornbread & monkey bread all on my own :) whoooo! i can finally make something good, lol. sister made ham & spaghetti. waited for mommy to come home & pigged out around 11. by midnight the whole family opened up our presents :) they all loved my presents! whooo-wee, i was relieved. i loved all my presents, even tho there wasn't much. i was just having so much fun with the family :)

christmas daaay! woke up around 10. i couldn't sleep well without my bedsheets :( charlani came over! i thought today was gonna be boring, lol. been playing scene it! & guitar hero all day. haha, for kiddie games, they hella fun! hahaha. piggin out & having good times. im pretty settled :)

hm, wooooooow. 2008 is finally coming to an end. what a yeaaar! ima make my last blog of 2008 sooon. hm, it'll be a good overview :) suppose to go job hunting tomorrow w/ angeesoo. we'll seeeee!

PS. wife i really miss you :( idk if its out phones or whatevaa, but i hella miss you :( I LOVE YOU!

i got that good good.

today was a really good day! woke up early to do my hair, & got plenny compliments :) haha, i wish my hair was naturally crimped! that'd be so tite, i love big hair! mhm, so found out today was an even day -__- wtf, wasn't even prepared. i had all my odd day shit, blah.

played jepoardy in government today, & my lexypoo was on my team! yeee, talked story the whole time, lol. we won second place! haha, it was the shiiiit. & english was boring :( i swear time goes by hella slow in that class. booooooo! but once class was over, met up with my booboo :)

ate lunch together & had some good conversation. drove home & was bored. around 1:30, lexy came to pick me up to go cruising! went everrrrrywhere! no joke, lol.

from chinatown, to meadows, to walmart, & then lastly to target. my feet hurt, lol. but i overall i had a good day! mommy let me borrow money, but i have to pay her back -__- haha, its cool tho.

got myself boba & saw hella cool shit at chinatown! mhm, good stuff. & omg, lexy is the funniest chick everrr! hahaha, 'BOOTY SWEAT!' 'BUST A NUT!' lmao, laughed for two fucking hours! hahahaha, omg.

mhm, tired, so gonna knock out. first day of christmas break, lets chill! :)

snow day!

siiike. school got cancelled, but hellllo?! NO SNOW! boo. there was more snow yesterday than there was today! wow, whack. but hey, im at home & now i can do whatever i needa do :)

anyways, i was looking at quotes online, & i came across some cute shit:

"sometimes you have to take a step back and realize what's important in your life - what you can live with, but more importantly what you can't live without"

"Dont push your relationship with a peson too hard,
if its meant to be, then it'll happen."

"If it's meant to be. It's also the so called "destiny". God works in mysterious ways, and if it's meant to be, it will happen. There's no need to look for love cuz it'll come when the time is right, and if it is meant to be, it'll be natural, spontaneous, and easily enjoyable. One should only need to follow his heart cuz that's the only way to find out what's meant to happen. It gets hard sometimes to just let it be, but we have to deal with it cuz again, it will happen if it is meant to be."

mhm, i'll update this shit later. today started off well, & i plan to keep positive. :)

the irony of love.

Loving the right person at the wrong time,
Having the wrong person when the time is right,
And finding out you love someone,
Right after that person walks out of your life...
And sometimes,
You think you're already over a person,
But when you see them smile at you,
You'll suddenly realize,
That you're just pretending
To be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that
They will never be yours again...

For some,
They think that letting go is one way
Of expressing how much you love the person...

Most relationships tend to fail not because,
The absence of love.
Love is always present.
It's just that one was being loved too much
And the Other was being loved too little...

As we all know the heart is the center of the body,
But it beats on the left.
Maybe that's the reason
Why the heart is not always right...

Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love,
But to only discover that for them,
We are just for past times,
While the one who truly
Loves us remains either a friend or a stranger...

So here's a piece of advice:
Let go when you're hurting too much.
Give up when love Isn't enough,
And move on when things are not like before..
For sure, there is someone out there,
Who will love you even more...

You will never forget your first love...
Thats what makes it so special...
You love so hard...
So deeply...
And so intensely because you don't know any different...
Its best until its over...
Then you hurt like you've never hurt before...
And eventually you will love again...
But you love more differently...
You love more carefully...
More cautiously...
Just know there is so much more love waiting for you...
But there will always only be one first...

- i thought this was amazing & very true.
THANKS TO http://candisecity.blogspot.com/

happy wednesday!

mhm, hello fellow bloggers! haha, wtf. anyways, just got home & currently watching the maury show. OUT OF CONTROL TEENS! yay, finally something other than paternity tests, lol. ew, all these fucking chicks slept with over 30 guys!? grosss, hella dirty!

today was a pretty good day! got ready kinda late, but got to school on time. ugh, i dont like driving mommys car anymore :( it makes weird ass noises! i wish daddy would hurry up & get me my new battery, lol. i miss driving my civic! vroom vroooom!

i forgot to do my homework for government :( but i can turn it in on friday, so it's all good. ima finish up outlines & dialectical journals tonite. ugh, pain in the ass! english was really boring as usual. class teaching, yadda yadda.

after school was better. omg! it was freeeeezing. golly, my whole body was numb. hung out with my booboo :) & thanks andrew for the cookie! haha, sweetness. chilled in the front of the school as usual. talked with darrel, & he told me the funniest story! haha, 'so he think he the shit!' lol. wooooooow, cocky ass mutha' fuckers.

ima go be productive now! tomorrow again, laaaates.

WALK LIKE A BOSS, TALK LIKE A BOSS, MANICURED NAILS SET THE PEDICURE OFF<3

either put up with it,

or let it go.

mhm, myspace song is the shit! hah, thank you sirus radio :) blah, anyways, my mother is trippin over something! swear to goodness, she yells at me for anything. i'm not saying nothing, she still yelling! wtf, i guess. haha!

well, today was pretty good. i did my hair, for the first time in like ever, haha. i got so many compliments, so i feel speciaaal! :) supposed to go dinner w/ wifey tonite. but i still needa ask father. mhm, & HAPPY 1 YEAR & 4MONTHS to us :) my longest relationship is with my best friend, hah!

& fricken evan opened his christmas present early -__- i was like wtf?! whatever tho, lol. im so sleepy, i just wanna sleep! blah, i feel pretty content. i laughed alot tho, caught up with old friends. it takes one bad incident to see life in another perspective, yes? cos i feel more outgoing than i ever was before, lol. talking nonstop to everrrrybody!

mhm, yay me! oh & shaun calls me mommy now, lol. its kinda cute, fricken weirdo, lol. ooh, & i hella talked to coreyoun yesterday. it felt good to understand a guys perspective for once.

things are slowly getting better :) & im proud of myself for it! yeeee, i still am prolly gonna have my vent sessions & breakdowns, but cope with me, lol. but ima be okay guys!

NO WORRY BEEF CURRY! :)

monday afternoons.

happy monday! blah, first day of the week -__- uhm, so this morning did not go well. first, my stupid car battery died, so i took mommy's car to school. then wifey told me some things, broke down in my car :(

driving + crying = I CAN'T SEEE!

lmao, funny! but whack. mhm, so yeah, it wasn't that good. i was lost in deep thought during government. thought through alot of my problems. i've already made my decision, so i'm not going back. blah blah, even though i have my breakdowns, im doing really well not caring. i can finally confront my emotions & not let my conscience take over what i wanna do. as long as i dont get in too deep, ima be fine.

english was boring as fuck. i wanted to fall asleep, but was a good student & stayed awake :) after class, walked with lexy to the front of the school. it was raining super hard! blah, it was hella cold, lol. & my head was too big for my hoodie :( hung out at the table with cassie. mark gave me free lunch! haha, thanks hun. fricken andrew jacked it anyways, lol. he fed me gross ass pizza & fries. but ended up going to jack in the box with cassie & elliott. he bought me a chicken sandwich! :)

& after i dropped them back off at school, headed out to go buy the rest of my christmas presents. it was snowing! :) awh, i loved it. i felt like a little girl again! hm, i would love to go back to when i was younger. drama back then was nothing compared to how it is now, lol.

so now im at home. i should start doing some homework, yes? lol. SLACKERRR! ugh, i needa start being more independent. i always fall for the wrong guys :( it's not fair, but i'm leaving it all in Gods hands. he knows whats best for me, & i'm positive there's someone waiting for me :) he knows there's alot more out there for me, so i just needa love myself first before i can love someone else :)

so main goals?
- get a job.
- graduate with honors.
- win scholarships.
- go to college.

mhm, sounds good! my priorities are straight.

EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY, DON'T WORRY<3

hakuna matata!

alohaaa! hm, woke up kinda early today. my house was fucking freezing! golly, shit makes no sense, lol. this year doesn't feel that much christmas-sy anymore :( blah, i hope it does soon!

woke up content this morning. sat in bed for an hour, thinking about everything. i never noticed how much i think & how stressed i can be, lol. i finally got bored & turned my tv on to watch spongebob! i always thought that show was weird, but it made me laugh :) it brought memories back when evan & i would stay on the phone late at night, & he'd start singing. he made me laugh so much! haha, he used to sing 'krusty krab pizza, is the pizza, for you & meeee!' lmao, he was a really good boyfriend :)

i can't believe how constantly i think about him! it's craaazy how often he pops into my head. mhm, first loves cause alot of impact in a girls life, right? i keep thinking about all the good times we had. hah, it makes me smile cos we really had it all. even tho there were times when we doubted ourselves, we showed everyone we made it :) until one unfortunate mishap, its all goood! yep.

anyways, i needa quit, ima bout to get teary-eyed in a second, lol. but it doesn't seem so long ago that we were still together & oober happy! haha.

THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON, LISSA.

i need to keep reassuring myself of that. im supposed to be doing homework & cleaning my room. tsk tsk, im such a procrasitinator. its in my genes! lol, jk.

How To Overcome A Heartbreak
By: Sonya Green

Loving someone requires exposing our most sensitive and vulnerable self. We allow ourselves to give the best of ourselves – the fragile, secret, private parts of ourselves. We expose and offer the most valuable part of ourselves. To have this rejected is to have ourselves deemed unworthy and unlovable. Often, we convince ourselves that the pain of heartbreak is about the loss of our lover, but the reality is that we are in pain because someone declared that, ‘Our love was not valuable’. At a core level we are love, and our ability to love and be loved is who and what we really are. To be dismissed on this level is interpreted as, ‘I am nothing, I do not exist and most painfully, I am not worthy of love.’

We may not make this connection right away, we may not want to look at it at all. If it comes down to this, then there is one glaring reality, and that is that we must believe this is true. Could it be that it is not our lovers rejection of us that destroys us, but our own belief that we are unlovable – unworthy – nothing?

At first we may want to focus on the behaviour and feel victimized by a betrayal or lies. We may go through many stages like anger, revenge, guilt, violence, depression or jealousy or we might feel unattractive, sexually inadequate, boring or stupid. For many people it comes down to insisting that the lover must come back. If he comes back, everything can be reversed, it can be a big mistake and you can be put back together again.

If we peel away the layers and keep asking ourselves where the pain is coming from, we will find that it is not the opinion of another person that causes the pain, it is within our acceptance of the opinion.

People have been coming and going throughout your life. You have probably been in love before and you have probably been hurt by love before. People leave, you leave, and sometimes it goes smoothly and easily and sometimes it’s painful or heartbreaking. Love comes in many ways and many degrees; it can subside and fade away or it can end abruptly and traumatically. People may have loved you more than you loved them, and you may have even been loved by someone who you didn’t even like very much.

I don’t know why it is that we can’t comprehend that:
‘Love is not gathered it is self generated.’

People do not give you love, and they do not take love away from you. You choose the degree of flow between yourself and another. Someone else’s love will mean nothing to you unless you choose to accept it. Love is inspired to radiate from you, but you are the source of that love. It is an infinite supply and its circulation is governed by your choice to give or receive.

The other great misunderstanding is the belief in a ‘One and only’. This is a man- made concept, not a natural law. Love is a natural state of being, if we peel away conditioning and fears and a lifetime of accumulated emotional baggage than we would be operating more freely from a place of love most of the time. The idea that love is only real or valid when it is a partnership relationship is very, very limited and downright damaging. We become tunnel visioned and grossly restricted in a belief that there is only one person or one love available to us. Not only do we expect all of our love to come from only one person, but we also expect that they must love us exclusively and forever.

We change, they change and life changes, but we still insist that love will never change. We insist on an impossible promise and self-destruct when the promise is broken. When friends move on we accept it because we did not have unrealistic expectations to begin with. Our children grow up and move on and we encourage it, we don’t take it as a betrayal nor do we interpret it as rejection of ourselves.

Divorce or separation is devastating for sure, and if it is initiated by a cruel act then it’s natural to feel a great range of negative emotions. If it comes suddenly or unexpectedly then it will be a shock and it will take time to come to terms with it and work through it. It is very confusing and difficult to accept when you are still there, still in love and still committed, but they are not.

Your life may be impacted right across the board, and you will grieve, and all of your emotions are valid and you will need time to work through them. You will need to do whatever you need to do to get through it. You will grieve and you will cry, you may be scared and angry, and you will probably go through many months of extreme emotional ranges. It will level out, and it will become manageabl,e and at some point it will just be a sad melancholy that floats past on occasion.

Sometimes though, it lasts forever. If you can’t let go or you won’t let go, it can overtake your life and leave you cold and bitter- it will destroy you. No-one does this to you, this is a choice and it is a decision to live a tragic life based on your inability to acknowledge your own beauty and value. The irony here of course is that your rage is still directed at your partner for treating you the way you now continue to treat yourself.

One person’s ability or inability to love you does not make you any more or any less than you are. Your value as a lovable and worthwhile person is not determined by the opinion of only one other person. Your supply of love, and your ability to love, is not in the control of another person. And your love was never meant to be restricted, to be exchanged with only one other person.

Overcoming heartbreak will require reclaiming your energy. As tempting as revenge is and as comforting as hate may appear, it all keeps your energy attached to someone else. You may need to begin by reclaiming your physical energy; eat well, breathe and move. If you are physically exhausted your mind and emotions are harder to control. The mind, body and spirit are all connected and one will rob the other if one is energy deplete.

Only love can replenish love, even if you feel you are faking it at first, it is most important to get back your flow. Be loving with yourself, treat yourself the way he should have treated you, and treat yourself the way you wanted to treat him

Acknowledge the love you share with family and friends, and allow that to expand. Try and stretch loving moments and experiences – take compliments and kindnesses, imbibe beauty and extend pleasure. Recall your energy and bring it back into yourself. Love the lovable and love the worthy, and if you really do believe there is only one love and you are capable of loving that one person forever – then make that one person yourself.


Excerpt form reinventingmyself.com
Copyright Sonya Green

^^HELLA TRUE! lol. there's more love out there for me, whether it's a rekindled love, or a brand new one. regardless, it's out there waiting for me :)

bad habits.

just got home from ACTs. blah, i hope i did well! im sooo sleepy man.

& NOTE TO SELF: STOP STOP STOP!



ugh foreals! i keep hurting myself. it's really not worth it anymore. it really isn't! if it was meant to happen, then it'll happen later. as for now, JUST STOP! ugh, my emotions are mean to me, haha. im so determined to get my shit straight! lol. it was never crooked, but it was pushed to the side often. mhm, my future sounds bomb! im not letting my senior year suck, lol. i needa suck it up now. i can't keep crying anymore. no one wants to see me sad, right? all the bullshit isn't even worth it. i needa show that im stronger now, i needa show that im stronger than i was the last time this happened. i still miss the guy, blah blah, but then what?! what about me? see, thats why i needa slow down with the whole relationship thing. cos when i fall, i give my all. mhm, i wish things weren't like this, but hey? i did all i could to prevent it, but it happened anyway. so it obviously means that it was meant to happen. hm, who knows later? what if we end up getting married? what if i find someone else? i don't know. all i know is that as for now, i need to focus on myself & become more self-self sufficient, so i can provide for mr. right in my future.

in the words of keyshia cole:
"for the rest of my life, i promise myself i will love me first, then you & me."

my future is set for me. & i promise to myself, to my family, & my future hubby that ima make it happen. ima give it my all & still have fun along the way. i look around & see all the single happy people & i wonder why i can't be like them? its cos i focus on the all the bad rather than the good. its a bad habit, but i'll work on it. all i know is that i wanna have the beyonce & jay-z typa love, hah! however, i just wanna be happy on my own, so that when its time to fall in love again, ima do it right :) im not gonna look back anymore, its all about the future for me.

JOHN F. KENNEDY:
"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future."

mhm, i needa start venting more, lol. it helps me cope alot better than just keeping inside, mhm. blah, so yeah! i feel alot better, haha. no crying this time :) im only gonna take the positives from now on, & remember the happy moments. it's not my business to wonder, riiight? im not stooping down to an immature level & instigate. *ahem ahem. haha!

POSITIVE POSITIVE POSTIVE! thats it :)


we were super cute! haha. good times :)

MELLISSA JOY:
for every bad moment in life, two amazing moments will follow :)

PEACE EASY<3

blah blah blah!

ugh, im procrasinating :(

haha, fuck! but i want straight A's this quarter! no joke. if not, B & higher :) haha, babysitting tonite. i need a real job! lol. babysitting is fun, but shit, i need a real job! lol. with a real income & hours! ugh, i hope i get hired at jamba juuice. homegirl christina, HOOK ME UP! lol. i wanna get a job at charlotte russe or forever 21, cos hellllo! cheap clothes! lol. my stores.

im so tired, but i THINK ima finally start homework, lol. senior year is halfway through! gaahdamn, quick huh? that means college is right around the corner. geeeeez! im growing up, but i got this :)

I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T! ;)

broken-hearted girl.

sike! i ain't playing that part.

i think im finally content. i think im finally getting better. thank god. i've been hurting for such a long time, & im finally starting to show my stronger side. i've been praying every night, & i'm been hoping for the best everyday. & i can finally say that things are fnally starting to look up. things at home are getting better, & relationship wise, i'm finally letting go.

i'm understanding now, that if it was meant to be, it'll happen. but if not, it was good while it lasted :) the main thing is that he made me really happy, & that's what everyone wanted to see. mellissa was happy! really happy :) & now, i am happily single. regardless of all the hurt & pain, i can now focus on myself, & do my own thing.

relationships are alot of work, & extremely time consuming. if you don't meet each other halfway, you're looking at a disaster. evan & i had our problems, we had our arguments, but by the end of the day, we still had each other. our 8 months together was amazing, & i thank him for all the love he gave me.

as for now, we're both happy. & like i said before, whatever happens, happens.

the pain is neverending.

blah, so yesterday was very very very ugly. & i emphasize on the very. ugh, will the hurt ever end? like no joke. first, drama drama with evan & now that i put alot of it behind me, & im beginning to move forward with my life, all this other bullshit is gonna come around. ugh, im so irritated & i just don't care anymore.

my life is screwing up & im trying my best to put it all back together. i refuse to let my family fall apart, i absolutely refuse. i miss my past, i miss evan, i miss how things used to be. i don't regret anything, however i wish i could turn back time & not take things for granted. but i know that this is God's plan for me, & im leaving it all in his hands. i truly believe that he'll make things better for me, & i have to stay strong for this time being.

i pray that i can gather up all the strength i have to become stronger for myself & for my family. my goals are firmly implanted in my head, & im mosdef going to achieve them. this is my life, & i won't let stupid things ruin it for me. i know whats best for me, & no one can stop me :)

& this is my life.

currently watching BET. hah, finally saw the music video for chopped & skrewed. hella dope! not really, lol. so took my SATs this morning! 5 fucking hours in a desk!? wsup w/ that? haha. foreals tho, my ass was numb :( woke up around 6, & got to school at about 7:15. met up w/ lexy & chilled w/ shaun & jeffrey. saw hella people from freshman year. saw my tawni boo! i haven't seen her in a minute. she gave me the biggest hug! yeee, i missed that girl. so yeah, i hope i did decently on my SATs. hah, paid 50 bucks for that shiiit, lol.

hm, supposed to be babysitting tonite? but uh, still no kidds yet. so just gonna get some chores done soon. i still needa wax the car, wax the counters, & wax the stove. alotta waxing, huh? lmaao. but foreals, i needa get shit done 'cos once the kids come along, i'll have no time to do shit.

uhh, yesterday was pretty dope! better than today, haha. spent mostly all day with lexypoo. after class, hung out w/ her. we went to the boulevard mall to look at the pet store! she hella wanted a puppy, so i went with her :) plus, i bought mostly all of my christmas presents :) yeee! im so nice, that i even bought the underserving people some gifts ;) haha, bitches better be grateful.

speaking of underserving, fuck it! haha. on the real. im tired of all the bullshit. im too fucking nice of a person to get all of this shit. seriously! im sick of everything, sick of being to damn nice to people who don't even derserve it! fuck, whatever. haha. & i still can't believe that even tho im hella tired of it, i still tolerate that shit. lmao, thats who i am tho, so fuck that too. haha!

okay, back on topic. so yes, i bought most of my christmas presents. i spent about 70 bucks, & saved about 100. NO FUCKING JOKE! i came to the mall just in time. haha, even bought myself some goodies along the way :) & then, lexy & i were going to the animal shelter. but then we got lost & ended up at meadows mall! haha. fuck, we are hella directionally challenged, lmao. never went to the animal shelter. went in a fucking circle! aah, & stupid walgreens guy was no help :( haha. last stop was at petsmart to see when adoption times were. then lexy dropped me back off at school to get my car, lmao.

then she picked me back up around 6 to go to the gym, lol. met mister handsome over theeeere! hahaha. he shure was cute tho, lol. lex & i are both crippled, so we skipped working out & kicked it at the hot tub & pool. lmao! & sauna that bitch up! lol. came home around 8, but knocked out soon after.

hm, so that was my friday & saturday. fight night toniiiiite!
MANNY PACQUIAO vs. OSCAR DE LA HOYA

yeeee, thass wsup for tonite! hella bored now. waiting to see if wife is gonna come over. ima go do some fucking chores, lol.

seriously?

people these days, yo. acting all shady & shit for nothing! geeez, it's fucking retarted. but i don't care no mooore, i really have stopped.

anyways, currently babysitting. im really sleepy, & i wish her mother would come pick her up already! hah, plus kaye took my car. i told her to put gas in that bitch! lol.

okay, hold up. back on topic. hah, guys hella confuse me. like shit, yaa think girls got their emotions all messed up? geeez, take a look at ya' self honey! foreals. honestly, i haven't moved on from my ex. i still love the guy, yenno? i mean, duh. i've been with him long enough to feel something real, but he's moved on. & i ain't about to sit. here moping around & shit for a nigga. i opened myself up for this dude, & its hella unfortunate that he moved on quickly. like shoot, no matter how much animosity i got towards his new girl, i still want him to be happy. best of luck to them. what i don't understand tho, is why he has to space himself so far from me! like wtf, i still wanna be your friend, but if yaa' can't act like one, im not gonna even try, yenno?

shit, being friends or in a relationship, just meet me halfwaay! ugh, whatever tho. i ain't tryna look for love tho. it's too damn quick for any typa love dovey shit.

i'm tryna find myself, & love me for who i am. i have alot of potential, & i hella know ima be okay. just whatever happens, happens. whether i fall into a new love, or if i rekindle an old flame, it's cool. cos' i know ima have the strength to be strong for myself :)

senioritis? gaaahdamn!

helping mother dearest with a job application for cannery. oh man, im hella tired. this is the first time in awhile that i felt tired! haha, usually i just hop outta bed or whatever, cos my nights are super restless. but foreals, i feel hella tired. oh, & HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY JAMEL!

today, i woke up to a nice surprise. it was nice, made my morning :) uhm, hella tripped out this morning tho. i had a test i was supposed to study for, never did :( left the house late, around 6:40. hung out w/ michelle, mark & barry for a little bit.

government was boring, lol. i didnt do my homework again :( golly, im slacking hella! ugh, unacceptable. i hella got the case of senioritis already, fuck. we have a test next class, so it's super whacked out.

got to english, still boring. lol, took that test! & it really wasn't that bad, i was trippin' over nothing. i needa makeup work soooooon. met up w/ ex-hubby, talked for a little bit. then went outside to talk w/ my cassie baby.

short day, golly. i still remember wednesdays in hawaii, when we got to go home an hour earlier! haha, good stuff. im running outta gas yo :( lol, shit. babysitting this weekends tho, so i aint trippin'.

im so content, & i have an 'i don't give a flying fuck' typa attitude lately, lol. oh well, im doing whats right for me, riiiight? cos i walk like a boss, talk like a boss, & im fly effortlessly. ;)

peace easy<3

Haha, DILLIGAF?

so today started hella fucking early! woke up around 5:30, i actually felt sleepy for once! lol. got ready & left the house around 6:15. picked up sexy cakes, lol. was suppose to eat some breakfast, but we're dieting! lmao. i have no idea why he is tho, he ain't even fat, wtf?! golly, weird people these days, lol. took the long way to school, but was still hella early! yee, thass wsuup.

forensics was booooring as usual. lexy claimed us as the 'crippled table' lol. minus valerie, cos she was still in one piece, haha. did anotherr fucking lab! shit was complicating & boring as hell. & my leg hurted, so i limped retardedly again. talked to lexy, deonte, bree, & jackie most of the time. haha, & breebaby made me laugh so hard! she's cuute :)

bree: "WHAT BEES MAKE MILK?!"
me: "idk, what?"
bree: "BOOBIES!!"

lmaaao, i swear. i told that to sexy cakes. he didn't even laugh! ah, boo. haha. trigonometry was boring. but we had a sub, & shit was still boring! lol. talked to navid plenny & passed notes w/ jackie. funny shit tho, lol. went to lunch at the sausage infested table, lol. caught up w/ the boys.

nooow, im at home watching 'scream queens'. geeez, im like hella addicted to these reality shows. wtff, hah. gonna go sister house later, & finish tweaking on myspace.

peace easy<3

Uh, Helllllller?!

hey girl heeey! lmao. so my leg still hurts hella bad :( shit sucks! but its whaatever.

so today started off slow. government was boring like always, im slackin' tho. shoot, two missing assignments?! golly, i needa improve. hah, anyways, english was hella easy. got paired off into groups, & read hamlet soliloquies. then presented, i didn't say shit, so i was good, lmao.

after school? chilled w/ my bbygirl cassie. same old! pretty dope tho, talked about the past, present, future, yadda yadda. pretty dope!

& theeeeen, washed the dirty ass car w/ mommy. haha, i did a hella shitty job, so washed it twice. lol! then picked up ex-hubby from school. ima nice ass friend! lol. foreeeals tho. we're getting some breakfast tomorrow, he's paying! hah.

noooow at home w/ sister & mommy. abouta tweak on guitar hero, again. lmaaao, & brothers birthday is tomorrow. happy 2-0 big brother :) love you & rest in peace<3

peace easy<3

Is You Dowwwwn?!

so like, FOUR DAY WEEKEND is almost over :( abouta hit the hay in a minute.

so, lets recap shall we?

thursday, celebrated thanksgiving. took care of family drama & then had a little drama back at the house. shit was gay, & i was lonely :( wife came over & kept me company, so we took the car & went to visit ex-hubby. pretty dope, came home & ate helllllla. like no joke, i swear i gained like a gajillion pounds, lol.

friday, black friday nigggy! yeeeeeee :) spent my limited fifty bucks, & bought me some cute shit. & gaahdamn, pacsun had the best sale. 50% off? thass wsuuup, lol. nate & wife persuaded me to spend more, haha. a-holes! jk ;) & pluss sister bought a new xbox, so we've been tweaking on that shit since then, hah!

saturday, dropped wife off to work around noon. after she clocked out, we hit up the smoke shop w/ vanessa. shiiit was pretty dope. smoked the hookah, met some new people, reunited with some old friends, & attempted the cheerios. lol, so i came time to go to the roller rink to chill w/ nate & his friends. met some more new people! haha, & then shiiiit went down. I FUCKED UP MY ANKLE/CALF/LEG/ETC. some stupid ass little kid came at me HELLA FAST, ugh! stupid ass muthaa fucker, haha. on a positive note, the referee guy was pretty cute, right wiiife? hahaha, so everyone came to my rescue. & like came home just in time before my mother came home :) haha. good day! shitty ending :(

sunday, & my leg is still fucked up. woke up early-ish to go to mommys work with her, she needed a driver & someone to accompany her, lol. so i only agreed if she got me gas ;) haha yeeeee! but my leg is still fucked up, so walked around retartedly all damn day, haha. then went to church with mommy, & i wanted to buy a new bracelet in their gift shop, but she wouldnt let me :( so she asked daddy to buy me some in the philippines, lol :)

& noooooow, hella tweaking on guitar hero w/ sister & brother. my leg is killing me. & idk how ima get thru school tomorrow. FUUUUCK.

gonna knock out,
peace easy<3

Happy Thanksgiving.

well, Happy Thanksgiving errrrybody! :)

- im thankful for my parents.
- im thankful for my sister & brother.
- im thankful for my wife & ex-hubby.
- im thankful for my amaaazing friends.
- im thankful for everything, period.

so like, today started off really rough. but its so-so right about now. i truly am thankful for the things in my life, some of which i take for granted. i really miss how things used to be. i miss being in love. i miss waking up happy. i miss not having too worry. i miss everything.

im still tryna cope w/ things, but i think ima be okay. i need as much encouragement as i can tho, haha. well, black friday tonite! gonna go shoooop away :)

peace easy<3

Immature Lookin' Ass.

my venting for the day:

fuuck the bullshit!
i swear. ima good person, but i still get thaa shit! omgaahd, females these days needa grow the fuck up. real fucking taaalk.

fuck, no one wants to hear yaa irking ass talk. just stfu & sittt pretty yaa dumb hoee. i dont believe in the myspace drama. but shiit, bitch wants to start something, BEST BELIEVE ima finish it.

its my senior fucking year.yaa bitch asses aint tryna fuck it up for me. started off great, but instigators tryna piss me off! yennno, its whatever. its none of my business what ya'll do.

i know what i want, unlike yaa dumbass who doesn't.i got hella shit going for me, & i got hella shit to worry about. if yaa think yaa can fuck it up for me, THINK AGAIN!

sooooo, shut the fuck up FOR ONCE, mkay? cos yaa ain't even worth my time hoee. & if yaa got something to say, TELL IT TO MY GAAAHDAMN FACE. instead of tryna talk all loud, stupid ass. i ain't dumb. & yesss im talking to you.leave me the fuck alone, ima do me now, grow some nutsss & grow up bitch.

im done.

Mind Over Matter.

eh, good moooorning sunshine!

haha, got only like four, five hours of sleep. but i'm gooooooooood. haha. so yesterday was a real bummer, like always. found out something whack, cried about it, & yadda yadda. same old.

good thing sister & brother spent the night all weekend. golly, i woulda been bored outta my mind! & all sad & mopey. bleeeh. so they took me to dinner last night & watched a movie. watched saw 5, which wasn't that bad. shitty ending, but whatev. im not really in the blogging mood, so don't expect too much, lols.

daddy leaves today. but best believe ima find something to do, lols. cos i refuuuse to sit & mope. golly, my life sucks ass. but whaaatev, lols. nothing really new to me gaining something, & then losing it. shiiiiiiiiit.

so ima go do something productive. maybe exercise? since my fat ass ate like two plates at the buffet last night, wtffff?! haha, ima go tweak on myspace.

peace easy<3

Better in Time.

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the past
I believe it
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time


i still love you so much, but whatever happens, will happen.
ima just do me, & fate will fall into place.

<3

I Stay in Love.

so my really good feeling yesterday didn't mean much. things haven't changed, & if it's possible, it's gotten worse. so i learned something entirely new last night, something which i was sorta prepared for, but wasn't expecting it so soon.

he's moved on.

the one thing that i was ultimately scared about from the beginning. all i do is listen to 'ride for you' on repeat & i only think about us. i haven't moved on one bit, but im kinda coping with it. ima front for as long as i can, because i will not let myself be vulnerable again.

i just really miss him. i miss the way he made me feel. i felt so beautiful when i was with him, i felt like the luckiest girl in the world. seeing him look me in the eyes with no love, nothing.

what hurts the most is that this is the second time this has happened. & look what happened before. the whole 'anything can happen' or 'ill always be here for you' typa shit. back then, he left me. he left me to deal with everything on my own. i had to deal with my heartache alone & scared, while he moved on to another girl, & carried on. i'm positive he didn't forget me, but he did a damn good job pretending like he did. now part two, & im most definitly scared it'll happen again.

a year & a half to get over the other guy. imagine now? oh wow. i feel like such a horrible person, because they left me. they claim to have loved me & yadda yadda. but why am i the only one suffering? am i that bad to be with where i can't keep a long relationship? was i never meant to be in love? is this what God wants for me? i know i can be fine on my own, i know it. i dont need a man in my life, but it felt damn good to have one.

the feeling to be loved by someone for who you are is truly amazing. & i blame myself for losing that. my heart broke once, a really long time ago. & after alot of fixing, it has broken again.

im sure he will move on, just like the first guy. & ill still be here dealing with the heartache. i have no idea what will happen in the future, & i have lost all my faith once again. all i know is that the pain will remain until i can find it in myself to love who i am.

March 5, 2008 - October 24, 2008 ; i will still be here waiting <3

Vulnerable.

this is why i didn't wanna get serious.
now im just scared.

live & learn?! fuck that shit.
i let myself be vulnerable,
& now i have nothing.

:(((((((((((((((((
March 5, 2008 - I LOVE YOU, let's make this work<3

Hope for the Best, Prepare for the Worst.

woke up kinda late today, especially for a babysitting day. fuck, im hella tired. i know ima get paid gooood tho, lols. thats really all that matters. work hard, & get paid later.

listened to sad songs :( got me thinking about alot of things. gahdamn, there must be something seriously wrong with me. cos its always me crying at the end of a relationship. & trust me, i hurt haaaaaard, like no other female. can't eat, can't sleep, can't really function as well as i used to. the heartache is truly unbearable, but i hella expected it. man, shit sucks.

since day one, i knew he was the one for me. regardless what people say, in my heart i know it was him that i wanted to wake up to every morning for the rest of my life. it hurts that he lost his feelings for me, but hey, im the type that has faith until i have nothing left to give. sometimes i wake up, feeling fine. but the moment i realize what has happened, i automatically hurt some more. the pain never goes away, no matter how much i try to hide it. i wanna believe that things will get better sooon, but i know its not.

what we had was truly amazing, he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, & those who knew me long enough, knows that i never thought of myself as pretty, beautiful, etc. the day he asked me out, it was like God finally answered my prayers. the guy i crushed on for a year, asked me out. & for a long time, i knew he wouldn't leave. i finally found someone sincere enough to tell me the truth, to never lie to me. someone who just wanted me, for me. yes, we had our bad times, & i do take the blame for alot of it. but if anything, they were said out of anger & i could never take them back.

every waking moment, i miss him. looking back, i would have never see this coming. i do blame myself for losing a guy like him. remembering all of our memories hurts, & seeing him moved on hurts even worse. i've learned that you can't change someones feelings for you, & you do have to learn to accept where life takes you.

i will always believe that he will be the one i wanna spend the rest of my life with, even if he doesn't feel the same. i love him so much, i really do.
im still praying.

peace easy<3

March 5, 2008 - this isn't easy at all, & i honestly can't cope with it.

Thank God it's Fridaaay!

finally, friday. weekends are never really good anymore, & i really just wanna stay in school just to see him, but the weekend will be a good break.

so, woke up late again. lols, not really late, but still. woke up at 6, got ready, & left by 6:40. got to class & seen lexy pretty face first thing, lols. talked to lexy, deonte & valerie as usual. got stuck doing the crime scene shit tho, ugh. & whatsherface was in there too. GREAAAAT. but i stuck thru it, she really don't phase me. her voice is just hella irking, foreals. haha, went back to class & talked about the tyra banks show. buhaha, is selling your virginty prostitution?! lmaaao. good stuff.

got to trig, kenny made me laugh. 'ALOHAAA! no i want an aloha back' hahaha. didn't notice cutie pie until mid class. mhhm, i can't look at him sometimes, hurts too bad. but i stuck thru it. did some homework in class, deonte made me laugh. buhaha, trig is hard -__- college calculus must suck, hahaha.

after class, was prolly the highlight of my day. hung out w/ cutie pie. drove around little bit, did a few errands together. then argued about where to eat. buhaha. 'you're the driver, you choose!' haha. so finally compromised on jack in the craaack! i park hella shitty, ohwell. haha, so we ate inside. he bought hella food! 'do i look like a fatty right now?' lols, but most was for the friends. all i wanted was a drink, lols. im dieting niggy, lols. watched him eat. awh, i miss him sooo much. even tho we were sitting right next to each other, i felt to far away from him :( ah, it all gets better in time.

abouta hit up the mall, gonna drive the auntie & uncle around.
peace easy <3

March 5, 2008 - forever & always <3

Patiently waiting...

so today started off ugly as usual. oh maan, got to drive the car again. got to school & met up w/ lexy & sammy. checked out oni's new phone, it was doooope! verizon really got the dopest phones i've ever seen, lols. im so jealous, cos t-mobile is hella whaaack with it, haha. walked to government w/ lexy. gaahdamn, the stairs killed us, lols.

had a dumb test in forensics -__- so ugly! i think i did good on the test portion, but not on the essays. oh maan, i wish i woulda studied more! grrr, procrastination hella bit me in the ass again. then went to english, finished the rest of hamlet. hella funny ending! haha, errrbody died, poor thing, lols.

i was abouta go home, & saw the cutie patootie in the hallway. gave the usual 'hi' & hug. i hella wish i could just grab him & kiss him. shuuucks, shit sucks. hung out at lunch for the first time in fooorever. hella sausage fest at the table now, lols. i played with everyones phones tho, pretty dope.

drove home, hella boring. but driving is pretty fun when there's barely anybody on the road tryna piss you off, lols. took a nap & uncle woke me up to feed me. that man cannot let me say no to food! haha, i needa fucking lose weight too! golly, i needa stop with the eating, lols.

& to end the day off, got into another argument w/ the cute one. maaan, i hate it. i'm still waiting, but it gets harder everyday! i'm not giving up until he does, & by the looks of it, it's like he wants to :( man, i need ALOT of comforting in class tomorrow, lols. i fucking hate you hoe. i hella do. man, i just want him back. im still praying. trust me, if you guys were in my shoes, you'd understand why. i love him so much, & this hurts so bad. he just wants to be 'friends' for now. ah, another day waiting ever so patiently. i hope i don't lose in the end, cos my biggest fear has already came true :( can i get a miracle please?

to get what i want i have to work hard for it.
peace easy <3

March 5, 2008 - i love you, & i hope in the end it's just me & you<3

Love is patient, Love is kind.

Do you hear me?
Baby ya gotta believe in the things,
That make you & me win together.
Don't you throw in the towel.
I'm keeping my promise to you, I got ya back now.
When the chips are down,
It seems like it's so hard for you to move ahead,
Just know that I am by your side.
There ain't no ifs, buts, or maybes,
I'm gonna stay down and ride for you baby. <3

so today started off slow. woke up at 6, maria came to pick up mya. never got paid :( she said i will next weekend. ahhh, i needa get the money soon. ima buy my loverss christmas presents! :) hah, but anyways. was ready to leave around 6:40, & daddy said i could take the car! yeeee, trust without having to ask for it, thass what im talking about. got to school, chilled w/ lexy & sammy for a bit. bell rang & walked to class w/ lexy.

forensics was boring as usual. but less boring this time, haha. chill! talked to lexy, deonte & valerie alot. plus chatted w/ my honeys; carissa, jackie & bree. ugh, deonte was wearing his senior shirt & hoodie! maan, i want mines now. good thing ordered that shizz sooner rather than laterr. ooh & miss whatsherface wasn't as irking as she usually is. talking mess all the damn time! golly, stfu. i ain't letting her get to no more. she ain't worth the time of day, rigggght? i'll be surprised if she read this, lmao. but yeah, watched CSI all class time.

next class was trigonometry -__- gaahdamn, that class irks the hella outta me. plus had a test today! wtf. like always, i wasn't prepared. so i wrote down bullshit & spent my geo-dollars. lmao! saw my cutie pie, maan. he's so cute, i just wanna squeeze him! i sure do miss him, ALOT. ugh, time passes by hella slowly. but i'm learning to manage on my own, & not focus TOO much on him. it's hella weird hearing him say my name for the first time since we started going out. 'hey mellissa!' i mean, wtfff?! i liked babe bettter, but i guess i have to wait for that time to come again. i'm still trying, really trying.

so like, im supposed to be studying for my government test tomorrow. ugh, fuck tests. idk how ima survive college, lols. im hella procrastinating, but ill get it all done. pinky promise! ;) gonna tweak on myspace first tho, haha.

peace easy <3

March 5, 2008 - let's focus on ourselves first, but we will make it in the end.

Timeless.

ahhh, so today was pretty whack. everyday gets harder to manage. ohmaaaan, i tell ya'.

so pretty much, i stayed home all day. woke up hella early, around 7-ish. uncle jon wanted me to help make him coffee. then fell right back to sleep, & woke up at 12. ugh, waking up is so hard knowing the situation im in. i cry myself to sleep at night, then wake up the next day feeling like shiiit. this is so hard, i really am trying my best to push thru it, but im not fooling myself. everyday, i carry on, pretending i am just fine. but everyday, i have my breaking point, where i just run to my room, lock the door, & cry.

i feel so sick. i dont wanna eat. it takes me forever to fall asleep. man, i just wish this was all over. i just want him back in my arms. i don't wanna just be his friend. but its much greater than that. i miss being in love, i miss him. everyday, every second.

March 5, 2008 - i will not give up on us. we will make it<3