I Stay in Love.

so my really good feeling yesterday didn't mean much. things haven't changed, & if it's possible, it's gotten worse. so i learned something entirely new last night, something which i was sorta prepared for, but wasn't expecting it so soon.

he's moved on.

the one thing that i was ultimately scared about from the beginning. all i do is listen to 'ride for you' on repeat & i only think about us. i haven't moved on one bit, but im kinda coping with it. ima front for as long as i can, because i will not let myself be vulnerable again.

i just really miss him. i miss the way he made me feel. i felt so beautiful when i was with him, i felt like the luckiest girl in the world. seeing him look me in the eyes with no love, nothing.

what hurts the most is that this is the second time this has happened. & look what happened before. the whole 'anything can happen' or 'ill always be here for you' typa shit. back then, he left me. he left me to deal with everything on my own. i had to deal with my heartache alone & scared, while he moved on to another girl, & carried on. i'm positive he didn't forget me, but he did a damn good job pretending like he did. now part two, & im most definitly scared it'll happen again.

a year & a half to get over the other guy. imagine now? oh wow. i feel like such a horrible person, because they left me. they claim to have loved me & yadda yadda. but why am i the only one suffering? am i that bad to be with where i can't keep a long relationship? was i never meant to be in love? is this what God wants for me? i know i can be fine on my own, i know it. i dont need a man in my life, but it felt damn good to have one.

the feeling to be loved by someone for who you are is truly amazing. & i blame myself for losing that. my heart broke once, a really long time ago. & after alot of fixing, it has broken again.

im sure he will move on, just like the first guy. & ill still be here dealing with the heartache. i have no idea what will happen in the future, & i have lost all my faith once again. all i know is that the pain will remain until i can find it in myself to love who i am.

March 5, 2008 - October 24, 2008 ; i will still be here waiting <3