Is You Dowwwwn?!

so like, FOUR DAY WEEKEND is almost over :( abouta hit the hay in a minute.

so, lets recap shall we?

thursday, celebrated thanksgiving. took care of family drama & then had a little drama back at the house. shit was gay, & i was lonely :( wife came over & kept me company, so we took the car & went to visit ex-hubby. pretty dope, came home & ate helllllla. like no joke, i swear i gained like a gajillion pounds, lol.

friday, black friday nigggy! yeeeeeee :) spent my limited fifty bucks, & bought me some cute shit. & gaahdamn, pacsun had the best sale. 50% off? thass wsuuup, lol. nate & wife persuaded me to spend more, haha. a-holes! jk ;) & pluss sister bought a new xbox, so we've been tweaking on that shit since then, hah!

saturday, dropped wife off to work around noon. after she clocked out, we hit up the smoke shop w/ vanessa. shiiit was pretty dope. smoked the hookah, met some new people, reunited with some old friends, & attempted the cheerios. lol, so i came time to go to the roller rink to chill w/ nate & his friends. met some more new people! haha, & then shiiiit went down. I FUCKED UP MY ANKLE/CALF/LEG/ETC. some stupid ass little kid came at me HELLA FAST, ugh! stupid ass muthaa fucker, haha. on a positive note, the referee guy was pretty cute, right wiiife? hahaha, so everyone came to my rescue. & like came home just in time before my mother came home :) haha. good day! shitty ending :(

sunday, & my leg is still fucked up. woke up early-ish to go to mommys work with her, she needed a driver & someone to accompany her, lol. so i only agreed if she got me gas ;) haha yeeeee! but my leg is still fucked up, so walked around retartedly all damn day, haha. then went to church with mommy, & i wanted to buy a new bracelet in their gift shop, but she wouldnt let me :( so she asked daddy to buy me some in the philippines, lol :)

& noooooow, hella tweaking on guitar hero w/ sister & brother. my leg is killing me. & idk how ima get thru school tomorrow. FUUUUCK.

gonna knock out,
peace easy<3

Happy Thanksgiving.

well, Happy Thanksgiving errrrybody! :)

- im thankful for my parents.
- im thankful for my sister & brother.
- im thankful for my wife & ex-hubby.
- im thankful for my amaaazing friends.
- im thankful for everything, period.

so like, today started off really rough. but its so-so right about now. i truly am thankful for the things in my life, some of which i take for granted. i really miss how things used to be. i miss being in love. i miss waking up happy. i miss not having too worry. i miss everything.

im still tryna cope w/ things, but i think ima be okay. i need as much encouragement as i can tho, haha. well, black friday tonite! gonna go shoooop away :)

peace easy<3

Immature Lookin' Ass.

my venting for the day:

fuuck the bullshit!
i swear. ima good person, but i still get thaa shit! omgaahd, females these days needa grow the fuck up. real fucking taaalk.

fuck, no one wants to hear yaa irking ass talk. just stfu & sittt pretty yaa dumb hoee. i dont believe in the myspace drama. but shiit, bitch wants to start something, BEST BELIEVE ima finish it.

its my senior fucking year.yaa bitch asses aint tryna fuck it up for me. started off great, but instigators tryna piss me off! yennno, its whatever. its none of my business what ya'll do.

i know what i want, unlike yaa dumbass who doesn't.i got hella shit going for me, & i got hella shit to worry about. if yaa think yaa can fuck it up for me, THINK AGAIN!

sooooo, shut the fuck up FOR ONCE, mkay? cos yaa ain't even worth my time hoee. & if yaa got something to say, TELL IT TO MY GAAAHDAMN FACE. instead of tryna talk all loud, stupid ass. i ain't dumb. & yesss im talking to you.leave me the fuck alone, ima do me now, grow some nutsss & grow up bitch.

im done.

Mind Over Matter.

eh, good moooorning sunshine!

haha, got only like four, five hours of sleep. but i'm gooooooooood. haha. so yesterday was a real bummer, like always. found out something whack, cried about it, & yadda yadda. same old.

good thing sister & brother spent the night all weekend. golly, i woulda been bored outta my mind! & all sad & mopey. bleeeh. so they took me to dinner last night & watched a movie. watched saw 5, which wasn't that bad. shitty ending, but whatev. im not really in the blogging mood, so don't expect too much, lols.

daddy leaves today. but best believe ima find something to do, lols. cos i refuuuse to sit & mope. golly, my life sucks ass. but whaaatev, lols. nothing really new to me gaining something, & then losing it. shiiiiiiiiit.

so ima go do something productive. maybe exercise? since my fat ass ate like two plates at the buffet last night, wtffff?! haha, ima go tweak on myspace.

peace easy<3

Better in Time.

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the past
I believe it
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time


i still love you so much, but whatever happens, will happen.
ima just do me, & fate will fall into place.

<3

I Stay in Love.

so my really good feeling yesterday didn't mean much. things haven't changed, & if it's possible, it's gotten worse. so i learned something entirely new last night, something which i was sorta prepared for, but wasn't expecting it so soon.

he's moved on.

the one thing that i was ultimately scared about from the beginning. all i do is listen to 'ride for you' on repeat & i only think about us. i haven't moved on one bit, but im kinda coping with it. ima front for as long as i can, because i will not let myself be vulnerable again.

i just really miss him. i miss the way he made me feel. i felt so beautiful when i was with him, i felt like the luckiest girl in the world. seeing him look me in the eyes with no love, nothing.

what hurts the most is that this is the second time this has happened. & look what happened before. the whole 'anything can happen' or 'ill always be here for you' typa shit. back then, he left me. he left me to deal with everything on my own. i had to deal with my heartache alone & scared, while he moved on to another girl, & carried on. i'm positive he didn't forget me, but he did a damn good job pretending like he did. now part two, & im most definitly scared it'll happen again.

a year & a half to get over the other guy. imagine now? oh wow. i feel like such a horrible person, because they left me. they claim to have loved me & yadda yadda. but why am i the only one suffering? am i that bad to be with where i can't keep a long relationship? was i never meant to be in love? is this what God wants for me? i know i can be fine on my own, i know it. i dont need a man in my life, but it felt damn good to have one.

the feeling to be loved by someone for who you are is truly amazing. & i blame myself for losing that. my heart broke once, a really long time ago. & after alot of fixing, it has broken again.

im sure he will move on, just like the first guy. & ill still be here dealing with the heartache. i have no idea what will happen in the future, & i have lost all my faith once again. all i know is that the pain will remain until i can find it in myself to love who i am.

March 5, 2008 - October 24, 2008 ; i will still be here waiting <3

Vulnerable.

this is why i didn't wanna get serious.
now im just scared.

live & learn?! fuck that shit.
i let myself be vulnerable,
& now i have nothing.

:(((((((((((((((((
March 5, 2008 - I LOVE YOU, let's make this work<3

Hope for the Best, Prepare for the Worst.

woke up kinda late today, especially for a babysitting day. fuck, im hella tired. i know ima get paid gooood tho, lols. thats really all that matters. work hard, & get paid later.

listened to sad songs :( got me thinking about alot of things. gahdamn, there must be something seriously wrong with me. cos its always me crying at the end of a relationship. & trust me, i hurt haaaaaard, like no other female. can't eat, can't sleep, can't really function as well as i used to. the heartache is truly unbearable, but i hella expected it. man, shit sucks.

since day one, i knew he was the one for me. regardless what people say, in my heart i know it was him that i wanted to wake up to every morning for the rest of my life. it hurts that he lost his feelings for me, but hey, im the type that has faith until i have nothing left to give. sometimes i wake up, feeling fine. but the moment i realize what has happened, i automatically hurt some more. the pain never goes away, no matter how much i try to hide it. i wanna believe that things will get better sooon, but i know its not.

what we had was truly amazing, he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, & those who knew me long enough, knows that i never thought of myself as pretty, beautiful, etc. the day he asked me out, it was like God finally answered my prayers. the guy i crushed on for a year, asked me out. & for a long time, i knew he wouldn't leave. i finally found someone sincere enough to tell me the truth, to never lie to me. someone who just wanted me, for me. yes, we had our bad times, & i do take the blame for alot of it. but if anything, they were said out of anger & i could never take them back.

every waking moment, i miss him. looking back, i would have never see this coming. i do blame myself for losing a guy like him. remembering all of our memories hurts, & seeing him moved on hurts even worse. i've learned that you can't change someones feelings for you, & you do have to learn to accept where life takes you.

i will always believe that he will be the one i wanna spend the rest of my life with, even if he doesn't feel the same. i love him so much, i really do.
im still praying.

peace easy<3

March 5, 2008 - this isn't easy at all, & i honestly can't cope with it.

Thank God it's Fridaaay!

finally, friday. weekends are never really good anymore, & i really just wanna stay in school just to see him, but the weekend will be a good break.

so, woke up late again. lols, not really late, but still. woke up at 6, got ready, & left by 6:40. got to class & seen lexy pretty face first thing, lols. talked to lexy, deonte & valerie as usual. got stuck doing the crime scene shit tho, ugh. & whatsherface was in there too. GREAAAAT. but i stuck thru it, she really don't phase me. her voice is just hella irking, foreals. haha, went back to class & talked about the tyra banks show. buhaha, is selling your virginty prostitution?! lmaaao. good stuff.

got to trig, kenny made me laugh. 'ALOHAAA! no i want an aloha back' hahaha. didn't notice cutie pie until mid class. mhhm, i can't look at him sometimes, hurts too bad. but i stuck thru it. did some homework in class, deonte made me laugh. buhaha, trig is hard -__- college calculus must suck, hahaha.

after class, was prolly the highlight of my day. hung out w/ cutie pie. drove around little bit, did a few errands together. then argued about where to eat. buhaha. 'you're the driver, you choose!' haha. so finally compromised on jack in the craaack! i park hella shitty, ohwell. haha, so we ate inside. he bought hella food! 'do i look like a fatty right now?' lols, but most was for the friends. all i wanted was a drink, lols. im dieting niggy, lols. watched him eat. awh, i miss him sooo much. even tho we were sitting right next to each other, i felt to far away from him :( ah, it all gets better in time.

abouta hit up the mall, gonna drive the auntie & uncle around.
peace easy <3

March 5, 2008 - forever & always <3

Patiently waiting...

so today started off ugly as usual. oh maan, got to drive the car again. got to school & met up w/ lexy & sammy. checked out oni's new phone, it was doooope! verizon really got the dopest phones i've ever seen, lols. im so jealous, cos t-mobile is hella whaaack with it, haha. walked to government w/ lexy. gaahdamn, the stairs killed us, lols.

had a dumb test in forensics -__- so ugly! i think i did good on the test portion, but not on the essays. oh maan, i wish i woulda studied more! grrr, procrastination hella bit me in the ass again. then went to english, finished the rest of hamlet. hella funny ending! haha, errrbody died, poor thing, lols.

i was abouta go home, & saw the cutie patootie in the hallway. gave the usual 'hi' & hug. i hella wish i could just grab him & kiss him. shuuucks, shit sucks. hung out at lunch for the first time in fooorever. hella sausage fest at the table now, lols. i played with everyones phones tho, pretty dope.

drove home, hella boring. but driving is pretty fun when there's barely anybody on the road tryna piss you off, lols. took a nap & uncle woke me up to feed me. that man cannot let me say no to food! haha, i needa fucking lose weight too! golly, i needa stop with the eating, lols.

& to end the day off, got into another argument w/ the cute one. maaan, i hate it. i'm still waiting, but it gets harder everyday! i'm not giving up until he does, & by the looks of it, it's like he wants to :( man, i need ALOT of comforting in class tomorrow, lols. i fucking hate you hoe. i hella do. man, i just want him back. im still praying. trust me, if you guys were in my shoes, you'd understand why. i love him so much, & this hurts so bad. he just wants to be 'friends' for now. ah, another day waiting ever so patiently. i hope i don't lose in the end, cos my biggest fear has already came true :( can i get a miracle please?

to get what i want i have to work hard for it.
peace easy <3

March 5, 2008 - i love you, & i hope in the end it's just me & you<3

Love is patient, Love is kind.

Do you hear me?
Baby ya gotta believe in the things,
That make you & me win together.
Don't you throw in the towel.
I'm keeping my promise to you, I got ya back now.
When the chips are down,
It seems like it's so hard for you to move ahead,
Just know that I am by your side.
There ain't no ifs, buts, or maybes,
I'm gonna stay down and ride for you baby. <3

so today started off slow. woke up at 6, maria came to pick up mya. never got paid :( she said i will next weekend. ahhh, i needa get the money soon. ima buy my loverss christmas presents! :) hah, but anyways. was ready to leave around 6:40, & daddy said i could take the car! yeeee, trust without having to ask for it, thass what im talking about. got to school, chilled w/ lexy & sammy for a bit. bell rang & walked to class w/ lexy.

forensics was boring as usual. but less boring this time, haha. chill! talked to lexy, deonte & valerie alot. plus chatted w/ my honeys; carissa, jackie & bree. ugh, deonte was wearing his senior shirt & hoodie! maan, i want mines now. good thing ordered that shizz sooner rather than laterr. ooh & miss whatsherface wasn't as irking as she usually is. talking mess all the damn time! golly, stfu. i ain't letting her get to no more. she ain't worth the time of day, rigggght? i'll be surprised if she read this, lmao. but yeah, watched CSI all class time.

next class was trigonometry -__- gaahdamn, that class irks the hella outta me. plus had a test today! wtf. like always, i wasn't prepared. so i wrote down bullshit & spent my geo-dollars. lmao! saw my cutie pie, maan. he's so cute, i just wanna squeeze him! i sure do miss him, ALOT. ugh, time passes by hella slowly. but i'm learning to manage on my own, & not focus TOO much on him. it's hella weird hearing him say my name for the first time since we started going out. 'hey mellissa!' i mean, wtfff?! i liked babe bettter, but i guess i have to wait for that time to come again. i'm still trying, really trying.

so like, im supposed to be studying for my government test tomorrow. ugh, fuck tests. idk how ima survive college, lols. im hella procrastinating, but ill get it all done. pinky promise! ;) gonna tweak on myspace first tho, haha.

peace easy <3

March 5, 2008 - let's focus on ourselves first, but we will make it in the end.

Timeless.

ahhh, so today was pretty whack. everyday gets harder to manage. ohmaaaan, i tell ya'.

so pretty much, i stayed home all day. woke up hella early, around 7-ish. uncle jon wanted me to help make him coffee. then fell right back to sleep, & woke up at 12. ugh, waking up is so hard knowing the situation im in. i cry myself to sleep at night, then wake up the next day feeling like shiiit. this is so hard, i really am trying my best to push thru it, but im not fooling myself. everyday, i carry on, pretending i am just fine. but everyday, i have my breaking point, where i just run to my room, lock the door, & cry.

i feel so sick. i dont wanna eat. it takes me forever to fall asleep. man, i just wish this was all over. i just want him back in my arms. i don't wanna just be his friend. but its much greater than that. i miss being in love, i miss him. everyday, every second.

March 5, 2008 - i will not give up on us. we will make it<3